I left my abuser a little over a year ago. I find that it is easy to let a little bit of shame sneak in when use that term... "my abuser". But I am not ashamed. I refuse to be. The notion that I was abused, and for so long, is hard to reconcile with the self image that I identify with. I am strong, fiercely independent, well traveled, creative, professional and quite proficient in my career, one of those young women that came up in the Riot Girl movement of the 90's and knows she can take care of herself all by herself and does not take any bullshit. I have led an adventurous life. I have a solid community and super-human female role models. I am tough and speak bad Mandarin. These are the things I think about when I think about self. These qualities and experiences are what I take pride in as being my own. But, the thing is, these things did not prepare me to cope with or recognize abuse. I did not see it coming. I didn't see it for what it was at all until I was in it so deep that when I left I literally crawled out of our house on my hands and knees through broken glass.
For two years, I stayed with a man that threw the furniture at me, who threw the entire contents of our kitchen at me, who once flipped the bed over with me in it and pinned me underneath while I screamed and cried in the middle of the night. I loved a man that called me a cripple, that talked to me like I was a slow child, that got drunk and frequently roused me from bed and made me stay up til daylight listening to music and locked me out of the house or worse if I complained that I was tired and needed to sleep. He was and still is an unrepentant alcoholic. Those two years were fraught with constant anxiety and fear. Did I remember to take out the trash? Was my skirt too short? Did I remember to flip the toggle in the shower after I bathed? Will I be home on time? There is traffic on the highway and he expects me home by three. They seem like completely trivial day to day things. But any one of them (and so many more) could set him off on a tangent on how stupid, forgetful, whoreish, lazy, inept I was. Any one of those could lead to me calling my best friend in the middle of the night AGAIN because "Sorry to do this, but he kicked me out again. All my clothes are in the street. Can I sleep on your couch?".
Now the first thing you must be wondering is: Why the fuck would I stay? Why would I keep coming back? Firstly, it is not as if these things happen over night. There is actually a very specific pattern to these sort of situations. Since I left I have done not a small amount of reading on the subject. Disturbingly enough, my relationship was almost a textbook example of abuse. It starts like this: Create isolation and dependency. Easy enough. A few months into our relationship my landlord wanted to turn my bedroom into his office. My boyfriend offered to have me move into his place. I was reluctant. We had only been dating a short while and splitting the rent at his place would triple the cost of my rent. He pushed it. We were in the late stages of the honeymoon phase still and "Hey you are over here all the time anyway. My parents pay my rent so it's ok of you are short." Dependency achieved. His parents never saw a dime of my money. The local bars did. And now there was a lovely little tool of manipulation he could hold over me was I ever late or short. And he did use it whenever possible. Isolation was surprisingly easy as well. We all neglect our social relationships a bit when entering a new love affair. But when the fog cleared and I started going out again, suddenly he hated my friends. They were bad influences. They disliked him. They were rude. Their social activities were questionable. I was guilt tripped out of seeing them too often. But I was rarely ever invited to engage with his social circle. Unless he was showing me off. I lost friends over this man. There are folks to this day that can't even look me in the eye if we ever find ourselves in the same room. Isolation achieved.
After that is was pretty much a downhill slide into a cycle of fear and control. How do they do it? Like this:
INTIMIDATION
* Threaten with violence
* Smash things
* Destroy property
* Yelling
(Did I mention this guy is a whole head taller than me?)
EMOTIONAL ABUSE
* Put down, humiliate, shame partner
* Claim partner is crazy or unstable
* Play lots of mind games
* Name calling
MORE ISOLATION
* Limit who she sees, talks to, where she goes
* Limit her social involvement (That party is stupid. I think you should stay home)
* Justify this with jealousy
DENY DENY DENY
* Downplay or make light of abuse ( I was just pretending to hit you. I just grazed your cheek. Relax)
* Refuse to acknowledge abuse
* Shift responsibility (It's your fault because you forgot to sweep)
And, in my case: MALE PRIVILEGE
* Defines gender roles
* Treat abused as a servant (see above references to household tasks. God forbid I forgot to make cookies)
* Make all big decisions (I was making you fly home with me for the holidays but now you have pissed me off so I am cancelling your ticket)
* Act like king of the castle or landlord (Get your shit and get out. This is my house)
And then you
MAKE UP
* Apologies and unfulfilled promises
* Attempts to justify behavior
* Blames drugs and alcohol
* Make up sex
* Buys gifts ( I bought you flowers. Let's forget about me pulling that knife on you)
As I stated before, we were a textbook example of dysfunction. I left him a couple times and went back after he cried and begged and promised promised PROMISED it would be better, professed his love and need for me. This cycle went on and on. And it doesn't take long before you start to believe the bullshit. Yes, I am a terrible person. I am lazy. I am nothing without this person. I cannot take care of myself. I am the scum of the earth. Who else would want me? It is my fault I am in this situation. I made the choice to stay/come back. But somewhere there is also this voice that is screaming "HELLO!? You are awesome!". And that voice really wanted to prove how good she was. That voice wanted to prove that she was good enough to be treated well. So I stayed for that reason too. I stayed and was the best little victim I could be in the hopes that one day he would wake up and see how wonderful I was and treat me the way I deserved.
At a certain point I realized it was never going to get better. It was getting worse. This was not the life nor the partner I wanted. So I left. It wasn't pretty. It was violent and ugly and epitomized every reason why I was leaving in the first place.
The whole point of this is that is happens everywhere. It happens to your friends, in your community, to people you work with. It is insidious. We can't look down on (or worse look away from) or pity victims of abuse. It was only through the immense love and unbelievable patience of a very good friend that I was able to get out, pick myself up, start over, and become the reasonably well adjusted person I am today. I do not hate my abuser. I am got out of that mess and am all the better for it. I am not even angry anymore. Some of you reading this may know him. Even love him. Keep doing so. I have made my peace about everything and there is nothing more to do or say about it.
For two years, I stayed with a man that threw the furniture at me, who threw the entire contents of our kitchen at me, who once flipped the bed over with me in it and pinned me underneath while I screamed and cried in the middle of the night. I loved a man that called me a cripple, that talked to me like I was a slow child, that got drunk and frequently roused me from bed and made me stay up til daylight listening to music and locked me out of the house or worse if I complained that I was tired and needed to sleep. He was and still is an unrepentant alcoholic. Those two years were fraught with constant anxiety and fear. Did I remember to take out the trash? Was my skirt too short? Did I remember to flip the toggle in the shower after I bathed? Will I be home on time? There is traffic on the highway and he expects me home by three. They seem like completely trivial day to day things. But any one of them (and so many more) could set him off on a tangent on how stupid, forgetful, whoreish, lazy, inept I was. Any one of those could lead to me calling my best friend in the middle of the night AGAIN because "Sorry to do this, but he kicked me out again. All my clothes are in the street. Can I sleep on your couch?".
Now the first thing you must be wondering is: Why the fuck would I stay? Why would I keep coming back? Firstly, it is not as if these things happen over night. There is actually a very specific pattern to these sort of situations. Since I left I have done not a small amount of reading on the subject. Disturbingly enough, my relationship was almost a textbook example of abuse. It starts like this: Create isolation and dependency. Easy enough. A few months into our relationship my landlord wanted to turn my bedroom into his office. My boyfriend offered to have me move into his place. I was reluctant. We had only been dating a short while and splitting the rent at his place would triple the cost of my rent. He pushed it. We were in the late stages of the honeymoon phase still and "Hey you are over here all the time anyway. My parents pay my rent so it's ok of you are short." Dependency achieved. His parents never saw a dime of my money. The local bars did. And now there was a lovely little tool of manipulation he could hold over me was I ever late or short. And he did use it whenever possible. Isolation was surprisingly easy as well. We all neglect our social relationships a bit when entering a new love affair. But when the fog cleared and I started going out again, suddenly he hated my friends. They were bad influences. They disliked him. They were rude. Their social activities were questionable. I was guilt tripped out of seeing them too often. But I was rarely ever invited to engage with his social circle. Unless he was showing me off. I lost friends over this man. There are folks to this day that can't even look me in the eye if we ever find ourselves in the same room. Isolation achieved.
After that is was pretty much a downhill slide into a cycle of fear and control. How do they do it? Like this:
INTIMIDATION
* Threaten with violence
* Smash things
* Destroy property
* Yelling
(Did I mention this guy is a whole head taller than me?)
EMOTIONAL ABUSE
* Put down, humiliate, shame partner
* Claim partner is crazy or unstable
* Play lots of mind games
* Name calling
MORE ISOLATION
* Limit who she sees, talks to, where she goes
* Limit her social involvement (That party is stupid. I think you should stay home)
* Justify this with jealousy
DENY DENY DENY
* Downplay or make light of abuse ( I was just pretending to hit you. I just grazed your cheek. Relax)
* Refuse to acknowledge abuse
* Shift responsibility (It's your fault because you forgot to sweep)
And, in my case: MALE PRIVILEGE
* Defines gender roles
* Treat abused as a servant (see above references to household tasks. God forbid I forgot to make cookies)
* Make all big decisions (I was making you fly home with me for the holidays but now you have pissed me off so I am cancelling your ticket)
* Act like king of the castle or landlord (Get your shit and get out. This is my house)
And then you
MAKE UP
* Apologies and unfulfilled promises
* Attempts to justify behavior
* Blames drugs and alcohol
* Make up sex
* Buys gifts ( I bought you flowers. Let's forget about me pulling that knife on you)
As I stated before, we were a textbook example of dysfunction. I left him a couple times and went back after he cried and begged and promised promised PROMISED it would be better, professed his love and need for me. This cycle went on and on. And it doesn't take long before you start to believe the bullshit. Yes, I am a terrible person. I am lazy. I am nothing without this person. I cannot take care of myself. I am the scum of the earth. Who else would want me? It is my fault I am in this situation. I made the choice to stay/come back. But somewhere there is also this voice that is screaming "HELLO!? You are awesome!". And that voice really wanted to prove how good she was. That voice wanted to prove that she was good enough to be treated well. So I stayed for that reason too. I stayed and was the best little victim I could be in the hopes that one day he would wake up and see how wonderful I was and treat me the way I deserved.
At a certain point I realized it was never going to get better. It was getting worse. This was not the life nor the partner I wanted. So I left. It wasn't pretty. It was violent and ugly and epitomized every reason why I was leaving in the first place.
The whole point of this is that is happens everywhere. It happens to your friends, in your community, to people you work with. It is insidious. We can't look down on (or worse look away from) or pity victims of abuse. It was only through the immense love and unbelievable patience of a very good friend that I was able to get out, pick myself up, start over, and become the reasonably well adjusted person I am today. I do not hate my abuser. I am got out of that mess and am all the better for it. I am not even angry anymore. Some of you reading this may know him. Even love him. Keep doing so. I have made my peace about everything and there is nothing more to do or say about it.
